Thursday, 5 February 2009

The holiday is over, baby.

I'm back, and I'm pretty sure that I've lost myself, or at least my creative routines, instincts, navigational skills. And I don't mean lost-it-over-the-Christmas-break, I mean lost it somewhere over the past fews years since I finished my last film,"Danny" and swore off drawing for a few weeks. Then I moved house. Then I had a baby. Then, then, then...

I feel such deep shame over this neglect, I can't tell you. I dug out my sketch book and some markers and will try to remedy the situation the only way I can think to, and that's by just going forth and drawing, without any goal or expectation, just to begin with - t make the process feel natural again, or at least stimulate some ideas. I may try to use some kind of online literary brainstorming application to give me some key words to start with, and hopefully that will break the meniscus on this problem, which feels very similar to the awful gnawing sensation I feel when I know I ought to write a thank you note for a kind deed, and become too busy and preoccupied to take care of it. Until I put that card in the mailbox, I do not feel right with myself. That makes it feel simple, but it's not simple. The fact is, you don't hone any craft without doing, doing, doing. Reminding myself of that is a fantastic guilt trip, and highly motivating. I really have no business not doing what I do best.


heatherj said...

I think I found you at the right time in my life... Once again, your words inspire me. Sometimes, I feel like a such fraud by making a career out of something I love doing, and I'm so quietly scared of my success, that I find myself sabotaging my business by continually 'deadline surfing' for no other reason than to suffer! (It's complicated...)

Your last line about 'having no business not doing what I do best', was a revelation. I think this is true; if you've got a talent, you owe it to the World, because if you don't at least explore the idea, the residual fear and disappointment bleeds into you life and those around you. I love that you write all this down and 'put it out there...'

Kell said...

HJ of London: I think we can turn a dialogue into a mutually benefical artistic hoe-down. I will elaborate at length shortly. In the meantime, please administer Converse-shod high kicks when you can manage it.